While some moms are lucky enough to find a Poppins on their first try (“She came in on her first day and got the baby to nap for two hours!” exclaimed one mom I envied and wanted to punch), the rest of us cried ponds of tears and had explosive breakdowns before finding that special someone who’d eventually become indispensable to the fam, particularly for the date nights our therapists assigned to save our marriages.
To commemorate the arduous and anxious journey of finding the ideal nanny, we asked moms and dads: What did you desperately want to tell your nanny as you bit your nails to their cuticles watching your home monitor—but never did?
Please make your own decisions.
“My nanny did ONLY exactly what I told her to do. For example, I told her the baby loves to play on his safari activity mat, so she hung out there the entire eight-hour shift minus sleep and bottle-feeding. I told her she could engage in other activities, so she asked me to write down a list of activities along with how many minutes she should spend on each activity.” – Justin
Can you please smile at the baby? Can you coo better?
“My baby was 6-months-old at the time and the only way you could make him laugh and smile was to sing or coo at him theatrically, but the nanny was stoned-faced. We had toys and musical instruments and pictures and mirrors and books for the nanny to use, but she’d just stick them in front of the baby while staring at him with absolutely no emotion on her face. FAIL.” – Lydia
Please. Stop. Wearing. The. Artificial. Perfume.
“Every time I got home my baby would reek of gas-station perfume. I bathed her every night and bit my lip for FOURTEEN MONTHS. Yes, I was that afraid of offending my otherwise perfect nanny that I didn’t mention how much her cheap perfume bothered me.” – Sheila
My baby hates you. Please make her like you.
“My baby daughter straight-up didn’t like a nanny I trialed for two weeks. She’d scream at her the whole time until anyone—literally anyone else—would jump in, at which point my baby would smile immediately. I felt so bad for the nanny!” – Beatrice
You’re not up to date with new research. Can you please read these articles?
“My nanny took extreme pride in her extensive experience (I think it was 30+ years working with children). The only problem? She was old school. She wore my baby on my Wildbird ring sling incorrectly so his legs weren’t in the M-shaped froggy position. She also had no idea what Wonder Weeks developmental leaps and growth spurts were so she blamed everything on teething. There was no explaining to this woman….” – Sharon
You leaves two minutes early and arrive three minutes late every single fucking day. That’s 1,250 minutes (almost 21 hours) you’re NOT working every year!
“I’m a punctuality dictator so this really bugged me. I almost brought it up at least 50 times but it felt so petty I balked every time.” – Cadence
You carry him weird. Please stop carrying him weird.
“I had a nanny who didn’t look like she knew how to carry a baby. You know how you can tell if someone is wearing stiletto heels for the first time because their ankles are wobbly? That’s what it reminded me of!” – Jennifer
I’m sorry one of your kids is always sick or injured or getting in trouble but your absence is going to get my ass fired.
“Who’s going to force a nanny to come in when she’s dealing with her own children? But fuck, every morning when she’d call in a personal day I’d unexpectedly be stuck dealing with the major shitstorm that is suddenly finding yourself solely responsible for a baby while your boss is waiting on the other end of the Skype call you completely forgot about.” – Thalia
Please don’t stare at me while I breastfeed.
“My job was 100% remote and I worked in the dining room of our apartment. The nanny would play with the baby and put him down for naps. My only involvement was breastfeeding him. She’d bring him over to me and sat right next to us while I nursed. And looked at us the entire time. She didn’t even make conversation.” – Gloria